You're inside my mind!
I never finish anything. Not a play on my piano, not a song on my guitar. I always stop when it either gets to hard or when I know the refrain. Then I'm done.
This night I sit on the floor in my room, the little candle I got from my grandma last year is my only light. I have my acoustic guitar on my lap and hold the strings. I don't play them, I just listen to the silence. I don't hear any noise but even that can be so loud that you fear you might go deaf. I take a deep breath just so I know I can still hear, and so I know I am still here. Sometimes I have the feeling that I'm in another world. It's like, I know I'm sitting in my room in the middle of the night on a school night. I know I'm holding my guitar by the neck and cover the strings so they don't make a sound. I see the little flame in my vanilla scented candle flickering in the dark every time I breathe out. But I don't feel anything. I hold my hand above the candle and feel the heat of the flame raising as I get closer. I pull away when it gets too hot. I pinch my arm, I feel how the spot gets red and I stop because it started to hurt. I do feel physical pain. But I know I don't feel the mental one. I think back a couple of years, back to my first heartbreak. I remember 15 year old me being broken into thousands of pieces, while I laid crying in the same spot I sit today. I try to get the feeling back. I try to feel something. Being heartbroken might not be the nicest of feelings but it is one. I haven't cried in a long time. I just stare at the ceiling or the wall and notice how the inner of my body is sucked into a deep black hole. I don't know if there is an end or what's in that hole. Probably nothing. I always like to imagine that there is a new universe. A universe I created myself. One where I like it and wouldn't want to change anything about it. But then I think that there is nothing again because most of me is already sucked into that whole and I am still on this earth, where I have to get up at 6am five times a week. Where I do my homework for two hours six times a week. I eat dinner everyday on the same chair, at the same time while some TV show is on. It's the same routine day in and day out.
I pick up my phone but then remember that I turned it off yesterday. I don't know what time it is or how long I sat here. I put the lowest string between my thumb and my index finger.
I think: What would be if I don't hear the sound of the E-string. What if I actually went deaf while I fell deeper and deeper into that black hole. I don't know where it is in my body, if it is in me. Maybe in my heart or my head. Maybe it's just one massive hole inside of me. I think about letting the string go but stop again for a second, and think about what it would mean if I'd be deaf. Would it mean I'm dead?
I close my eyes and pull my fingers away. And I hear the bass sound of the thickest string filling my room.
A bit disappointed I get up, put my guitar in it's corner, blow out the candle and go to bed.
This is not a journal but more of a creative writing!
~k80
